A Woman’s Thoughts In War: My Mother.

“There is no stability, only fear, no hope in the future. No hope to hope in anything, you only think of how to eat, drink, and hide.” Dad says: “I went to see her under bombs.” Mom goes on “No more jobs. Fear of dying of hunger.” Dad goes on: “I didn’t see her everyday. I only saw her once a week.” *chuckles*

“Cards playing, Picon eating, you change your mood in order to forget what’s outside. No electricity, you light candles and you listen to news on the transistor. Fear, people on pills to calm down. Others do fun stuff to forget. Children fighting with each other constantly because they’re stuck in a shelter.

If there’s immediate bombing next to you it’s scary, fear controls you, eats at you. As long as bombing is away you’re much better.

Once for instance, in civil war, where fighting happens on the street, from street to street. Both our houses in Bdedoun, and in Dbayeh were shelled. Did you forget when the bullet pierced the wall in the salon, teta was feeding you green beans. It was a “500” bullet, pretty big bullet. Then we fled to Ein el Remmene? Which was under the control of the Lebanese Army. Dbayeh became a front line that day between the Lebanese Forces and the Lebanese Army. We had to flee. You never ate green beans ever since. Do you eat green beans now?

No more gas, people run to the bakeries, and supermarkets. And yell and scream for bread and food. Everyone wants to stock up and everything gets empty. Meaning, food and gas provision for emergency as wells s candles. And batteries for the radio and lights. That’s what you live on. Isn’t it funny that we still stock up on food?

When I was not married yet. In Aschrafieh, I was in my bedroom, alone, and a huge rocket fell in the stairs, it was the Syrians that time. The entire building shook and the walls of the stairs got ruined, and I hid between the beds, and the walls of the stairs got ruined, but not the stairs. Then I slid down the blocks of cement covering the stairs to the shelter below, and mom started yelling… “what the hell did you go do up there?” I went there to talk to your dad on the phone. I hadn’t seen him in a while, the roads between us were blocked, and checkpoint killed you based on your I.D. card.

Then when we married, you remember, we hid in the shelter at Yammin’s building when the Lebanese Forces and Aoun were fighting and the Syrians in Baabda. We escaped when the Syrians were bombing Aoun. When we stayed at Yammin’s then fleed to Bashil. We had the room down there. We were all fleeing, Yolla was at her aunt’s in another village, her aunt, the nun, and us in Bashil right under. The Lebanese Forces and Lebanese Army were fighting when we escaped. We had Two BMWs, we left the old one behind and escaped with the new one under the bombs, we escaped in the tunnel then hours later the tunnel was barred with sand so that the Lebanese Army wouldn’t go in. There we saw Yolla again when the Lebanese Forces left Dbayeh, we went to kfadebiyen, then old villages in bekfaya, made a whole turn in order to come back home because the tunnel was closed. Yolla and Poussik were in the car behind us. That was in 89. You were 4. It was in February. It was cold. My mom was in Aschrafieh and escaped, the Lebanese Forces were fooling around there, then she came here with Francois and Rita, here, then we all left Dabyeh and went to Ein Remmene when the first bullet hit the house, that day, when Dbayeh became a fire line. When you were eating green beans. We lived in Ein el Remmene for a month. Rita, and Francois, and mom lived at the house of Kristian’s mom.

We used to fear for you. With kids it’s a bigger responsibility. You’re always afraid of walking on the street, in our house we were afraid of walking because there was no shelter in the building. Your dad once was hit with bardiye. And I started to cover him with covers. His nerves were tired. He was feverish and shaking. Your dad is strongest when he is surrounded with his brothers. They play cards, he has fun, when he was away from Ein el Remmene he felt a bigger responsibility, a bigger fear for his family. In Ein Remmene he felt safe between his brothers. In ein remmene I was scared from bombs, while they laughed and played cards.

Once you were in school in saint family in jounieh and the Lebanese Army and the Lebanese Forces started, it was another beginning, here in Antelias, Andre was here and you were in Sainte Famille, he went and got you home. But that day I was very frightened, you were in school, and the world tumbled apart, and you usually came in the school bus, while he went to get his son he said to me “I will get yours.” I was so scared, alone at home, your father was at work, it was a total surprise. Another beginning. In such a situation one gets scared, the kids in school, you don’t know what to do, people start running like maniacs on the streets, people drive like maniacs on the road, not knowing what to do, in bombing times, many people make car accidents, people don’t know how to drive anymore. Those days, days…difficult days.

And when Israel came and hit, you were old, you woke up at night, and you got scared, do you remember? She hit the electricity company in Bsaleem.

And in 2006, here in Dbayeh we were lucky, those in Ein remmene, it was like a war front, war planes hitting dahiye, imagine a residential area getting hit. Dany got very scared his parents sent him here and Wassim and Huda slept at fayiz’s. ¾ of ein remmene escaped, the buildings shook in them when Israel hit Dahiye. When airplanes hit, rockets are like toys. “Smart bombs” from airplanes destroy buildings completely! All wars between militias and civil wars were nothing in comparison, the bombs were nothing in comparison to what happened in 2006. The 2006 War was a devastating war. Airplaines are destroying, you can’t say I will stay in the shelter, everything falls. Everyone dies. Entire building collapse. No shelter can save you. Israel intended total destruction; it wanted to make of the south a barren, burnt land. That’s its politics, the politics of burnt land. There is a big difference between civil wars and the 2006 war. We got worried they would bomb the bridge here in Dbayeh. They didn’t leave a bridge standing ! 2006 was more horrifying because the weapon was more destructive, smart bombs and planes. These bombs destroy everything and remove the oxygene from the air in the place where it lands. That’s why they’re called smart bombs, and when the oxygen is sucked, it makes so much pressure and the building falls. Research smart bombs. And those “grape bombs,” millions in the south. No matter how one walks, many explosions happen, in one bomb, that’s why it’s called grape bombs. So that people wouldn’t go farm their lands anymore. These are all illegal in international law, and the phosphorus bomb and napalm bombs. They burn. The person is literally fuming. All was halal for Israel, all is permitted.”

© (Toronto, 14.3.2010)